Wednesday, December 8, 2010


a picture started to unfold in my head of the world in darkness and me as a little funnel somewhere in the midst. and there was a huge white cloud hovering over the earth, but the cloud couldn't descend to come in contact with the darkness. the cloud needed a funnel. and the cloud was a lot bigger than the world. the cloud could fill all the darkness if it just had a few funnels to use. and when the cloud saw that it could use me as a funnel, it did.

the picture was so intense, because if the darkness is big, then the love of god is so much bigger. the darkness won't put it out. it can't, because it's not big enough. but there is a lot of it, and it is dark. as the light of the cloud started funneling through me and the stream of light got brighter and more intense, my little funnel started to shake and shudder like it was funneling the tail of a rocket through it. i don't know what that part means... but it gave me hope. god is bigger. his love is more intense than my darkness, and than that of anyone i come in contact with. i hope i am a little funnel, allowing his light into the world. and if it breaks me in the end, loving that much, then so be it. there is nothing else worthwhile.

set down your burdens.

--Joanna Shoemaker

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Holiday Prayer

Jesus, I don't want to miss out on what you are doing this season--on what you have for me or my family. I want to hit the mark your Spirit is putting before me. Lord I pray that you would clear my focus, be God of my words and of my thoughts...especially of everything that comes out of my mouth. It's so easy to be frustrated by people in the store, on the road--or even in my home. Protect me from that frustration, God. Break it off my life at the root and as the enemy tries to assault me. I pray instead that I would hide myself away in you, so that you can speak to me and you can draw me and meet me. Lord, there's such a high expectation for enjoyment on these times, and so there's that pressure we put on each other to be perfect, so the atmosphere will be perfect. Jesus, we want so much to be happy, but we will never find that perfection except in you. The hours will go by and it will soon be "the day after Thanksgiving", and "the day after Christmas." God I pray that all of our hope would be set on you. I pray that in a new way you will be the center of our tables. God as we eat I pray that our thoughts would turn to you, how much you have always done for us, and that we would also have our hearts opened to sense how great your future plans are for us. I pray for your peace. I pray for a miracle of peace, that we would turn ourselves to you, God, and that you would come and settle us down.

I yield my desire for things to be a certain way, look a certain way, feel a certain way. I pray not for a filling of great feelings, but for a greater filling of your Holy Spirit. I pray that your Holy Spirit would captivate me and those I love. That we would seek to spend hours with each other in your presence, that we would experience for real your love for us. Thank you that we don't have to worry about what anyone thinks of us--we are free to live and move and have our being in you.

I pray that we will finish this season well. I pray that we will look back on what you have done in lives with excitement, be free of the dread of credit card bills, and have memories of key moments when you met us. If we have conflict I pray that we will respond in the opposite Spirit because we have taken the time to let you cover us and affirm us. I pray for favor with family members and peace as is possible in households. I ask for patience for all of us, and faith, that we could minister your move fearlessly.

Most of all, I pray that none of this would be accomplished because we relied on ourselves, but because we are in love with you and your Spirit has carried us. May we truly soar this year on your beautiful heart for us and the intimacy we have with you, our Strong Dad who is rejoicing over us that by his grace we have have been more than conquerors in 2010.

In Jesus Name, Amen

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Tuesday Morning

When my life has been poured out, I can't expect to remember all the good God has done through me. It is not mine to claim. There's no tally of my credentials. He is so kind that He will remind me (when I need it) not to forget how much He has already accomplished through me in a short time, but the fear of a wasted life is my flesh being consumed. My life has not been wasted. It has been Him. Only one matter I am to remember: He has had His way, and I am gladly lost in Him.

The one lost in Christ will be too obsessed with Him to be self conscious. Will we waste our earthly lives to pour Him out over the heads of His beloved and the ones He has called?

I want to look red--I want to look like the red letters. I will be obsessed with the words, with the heart of the red letters. With Jesus. When people look at me they will see life-blood, they will see passion. They will see Jesus. NOTHING else matters. These are fierce words--unyielding words. They will lead me often into sorrow and conflict, yet into an even greater joy. If I do not gain Christ I'm a prisoner to the greatest sorrow of all...the sorrow with no light to penetrate darkness. I will have lost my soul.

If I want to accomplish something in my lifetime, I will accomplish sacrificing everything to love God. I will accomplish letting Him move me to love people.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I hear reminders from the Holy Spirit almost constantly now when I become discouraged or feel myself slipping into any kind of despair or survival mode, that God's mercy and His work in me to bring healing is available to me at any instant. A day is as a thousand years to Him. So I might be in the middle of a busy moment at home, around town or with people, and God wants to speak. He can make an exchange with me instantaneously if I will pour out my heart like water, and take the childlike position that He is a willing friend tangibly with me, ready to hear me out and move on my need. This is where I could lose my footing--if I forget how near He always is in me, around me and through me. We desire more because we can have more. We were made for more. To kill the desires we feel for relationship, intimacy, wholeness and passion for life throughout any one of our days is to push God away. He gave us those desires so that we can become full of Him. He does not demand that we exist disappointed. I realize this can be a painful statement, but we can rise up. We can because He is with us. The difference is expectation.

"For a thousand years in Your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night." Psalm 90:4

I want my moments to matter. I don't want my 5 minutes to be wasted because I was waiting for an unbroken hour to give God. Yah it's lovely when we do have those longer times, but life is life, God is God. He knows we have to do stuff. We have a partnership with Him in everything. The mystery and secret for us is that everything can change in one moment fully yielded to God.

Turn to God. "God I have a few minutes, and I am so discouraged. What do you want to do with me?" Then expect, expect, expect to maybe see a picture, hear a truth, feel comfort and hope. The more practiced we are the easier recognizing God gets. I love what Graham Cooke says, "It's like driving a car. It's not hard. It just takes practice and then soon it's automatic!" We are touched by God and before we even notice, "our minutes" have become a whole day of communion. Life does not stop to make room for God. God is life.

"We may plead for mercy for a lifetime in unbelief, and at the end of our days be still no more than sadly hopeful that we shall somewhere, sometime, receive it. This is to starve to death just outside the banquet hall in which we have been warmly invited. Or we may, if we will, lay hold of the mercy of God by faith, enter the hall, and sit down with the bold and avid souls who will not allow diffidence and unbelief to keep them from the feast of fat things prepared for them."
--A.W. Tozer

"Whom have I in heaven but You? And I have no delight or desire on earth besides is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God and made Him my refuge.."
Psalm 73: 25, 28a

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Big Grin

I had a merciful thought yesterday. What I mean by that is simply that I had a thought I knew was God because I'm not naturally so optimistic. I was driving along when suddenly I thought about how great it is to start to get rid of some of this fear that's always been on my heels. Then I thought about what it will be like when I move like I am not afraid of anything or anyone other than God. I started imagining the feeling of being weightless--hopping around like a time-traveler doing whatever God wants me to do--being intimate with Him. Seeing Him smile at me. Seeing lives change because He and I are working together. Being myself and not apologizing for any of it. Not apologizing for my passion for God, my intensity when it comes to all of us hitting our mark and making it big in Christ, my song, my nutty sense of humor, my nose, my struggles--whatever! What would it be like to not apologize for Jesus? What would it be like to have no fear? How much would I accomplish for God if I wasn't afraid? We can ask these questions because this is where we are going! Anyone who wants to come should come now! There's nothing like the feeling of not having to shift or slouch as the world throws it's weight around. There's nothing like living as a gaseous wind blowing to and fro and then one day stamping around realizing you're a solid and you can stand up to any battle and win. My grin is getting bigger and bigger, thinking about our future with no limits.

I used to think that if I was myself, my friends wouldn't want to be around me, and probably would ditch me. (What an insult to my friends!) Anyway, I really believed I had to choose between being myself and being alone or being a shape-shifter and having some tentative, sort- of relationships. The attractive thing about being a shape-shifter is that if you want to hide out for any reason--no problem--it's pretty easy. I got really practiced at sidling into the shadows. I sort of want to gag when I think about the amount of time I've logged behind other people, circumstances or excuses. A record-breaker in the halls of pride. No worries, though! I'm going to have my one "gag" and then move on.

I've started to see that what really happened to me, when I patterned my life in this settling for being untrue to God first and then myself, was that I lost everything! I wasn't actually preserving anything! My friends didn't actually want to be around someone who was either: a.) freaking out, b.) looking exactly like them, c.) trying to prove something--anything, d.) agreeing with everything they said, and for e.) I will restate a.) freaking out...because all of this hiding is really hard work and honestly not a whole lot of fun! I believe hiding and repeatedly attempting to shirk God's creative genius comes at an incredibly high cost to us! More so than we even realize! I'm speaking from experience.

I'm turning 30. Some people who love me tell me I'm moving quickly through the lessons I'm sposed to get. I feel like I move at the pace of a slug--let's go with "the pace of a sloth". (Sounds less slimy and maybe cleaner. :-) Anyway, I feel slow. I want to get free and serve God, but sometimes I feel like it takes forever. Really, I tell myself, it is all part of eternity. Serving God is one of the best ways I know to get free and to get to know Him. That's how all the people in the Bible did it. God would be like, "Ok, now you're going to lead an army and free your people" to this little person and he or she would say something like, "but God, I don't know how to lead an army and no one listens to me" and then God would say, "no worries, I AM, be favored", and that would pretty much end the conversation. I don't recall ever reading that God showed up to someone and said, "You have worked very hard and by your own sweat you are looking more and more perfect. I think you might be ready to take on more chores. Don't fail or you'll have to start all over again and then you're on your own, Kid." Why do I tell God that's who He is? Why do I continually relate to Him this way? This mind/ heart-set sounds so absurd when exposed. This blockage is worth getting healed up! The peace that comes from being so unable to do anything and realize that God is even more able to work through me is astounding!

If you've recently heard God tell you anything that doesn't move you to dream, lift you to soar, cause you to be ready and willing to look Him in the eye; if you've heard Him say something that makes you feel discouraged, unworthy or disconnected--get into His presence and listen again! You've been hearing the counterfeiter, and no one wants to work for Him! That being said, for our Abba we can do anything. Anything, anything, anything, anything, and when it's really been Him we've been listening to, there's unlimited favor and the repercussions of works we do with Him are infinitely grand.

Esther 4:13-14 Amplified
"Then Mordecai told them to return this answer to Esther, Do not flatter yourself that you shall escape in the king's palace any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from elsewhere, but you and your Father's house will perish. And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?"

Philippians 3:14 The Message
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong; By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward--to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back. So let's keep focused on the goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total committment, God will clear your blurred vision--you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it."

Monday, July 5, 2010


The portrait of Americana. That was me today--if you didn't really know me. Driving down Table Rock Road, presumably oblivious to my surroundings (except for whatever consciousness it must have taken to keep me out of the ditch) I had for a moment the privilege of an outsider's view of myself. Sunglasses, Dutch Brothers, an Infinity QX-4 and large wedding ring bulging from my ring finger composed the picture I saw of myself. Surrounded by tinted windows and air conditioning I felt unruffled, sufficient, even self-satisfied. From the roadside I must have appeared almost regal, like the wives I always see hustling their adorable children into sparkling Lincoln Navigators. Only difference is, I think their diamonds are real and they probably usually drink Starbucks. But then who knows? I don't know them. Maybe they buy Dutch Bros and pour it into Starbucks cups in order to look expensive. Is that really all that matters to us anymore--looking expensive, that is. Who am I trying to be? Who am I judging? I started it.

I'm not completely sure why I do the things I do, or buy the things I do and etc. Maybe I should look into those reasons more directly. While in the virtual "lap of luxury" I sit, someone in Haiti is lying on a cot (if lucky) with nothing material left to their name and no family members accounted for. (And I am not saying this to go the "bleeding hearts/we should feel guilty" direction; I'm just gathering some perspective). Bearing this in mind, it wouldn't take much for me (in a loss situation) to wish I could close my eyes and fall endlessly asleep. At what moment that would be I can't say. Would it be having my SUV repoed? My cell phone dropped in the toilet and ruined? Perhaps that moment for me would be learning that the FDA had come to the conclusion coffee adversely affects too many people and must be banned. Which withdrawal will be the moment of my reckoning? Freak out for me would most likely come at a more monetary point than I would be ready to acknowledge, but I want to be selfless. I want to be content.

My America struggled for independence, for self-sufficiency, for unity and civility. All men do struggle for these things; perhaps we just did it more adeptly. Somehow the majority of us managed to base the part of our motivation--that shows--on democracy. We seem in this to have some sort of invincible favor. Did we try to become the Nation the whole world ogles, or did we wake up one morning and find ourselves here? Now we don't want the responsibility.

Good thing I am not only writing of my beloved Nation but of my own heart. My physical roots are American. God knows why I am here and not in the shanties of South Africa. How does a person get chosen to live in riches and plump security and another in the worst kind of poverty and disarray? One of my questions for God. One thing I think: there has to be someone who can give to someone else. Right now, if no one had enough to share, a lot more people would be going without chances and options . I am thankful I am one of the one's with enough to share. May we through our poverty (and come on, all of us are pretty much the same when it comes down to it--stinking needy) share what we have. Those who have nothing material share with us their profound faith in the middle of incomparable loss. Those of us who have literally everything we physically need ought to share looking at Creator and desperately, gratefully thanking Him there's enough to go around! The manna only landed in our neck of the woods so we could distribute it all wisely! God I pray we do.

For my Dear Country my heart breaks beyond words, for we have a disaster upon us every bit as serious as those laboring across the world. And patiently He allows us to lull in it, hoping and praying that we will wake up. This sleep is deep like Rip Van Winkle's, but if we ask to be woken up, it's not too late. I have been given this house to glorify God in. I have been given this SUV to glorify God with. I have been given these feet still attached to my legs to carry the Good News! I have been given friends, family and neighbors that I might spread unabated love! I have been given knowledge of the Nations that I might ask for them as my inheritance; I HAVE BEEN GIVEN.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Why Light Matters

I love that encouraging each other is as simple as sharing what we read today, or recounting what God has said to us that gave us the answer and the strength to keep going. Nothing about our hanging out or community has to be complicated. We could be having a picnic when suddenly God shows up and "adds to our numbers".

I am supposed to be doing a lot of stuff right now, stuff I'll eventually get to. What I love more than anything is conversing about the sweetness of God and His love for us. I think even talking about Him is reverence that brings Him to us.

Today I read from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest. I love to be challenged in my faith in such a limitless, hardcore and truthful way. True to today's date I read June 30th. (Wow, can anyone believe it's June 30th? I can't. Probably because it rained half the month :-) I will quote from His entry titled, "Agree With Your Adversary Quickly": "Have you suddenly reached a certain place in your relationship with someone, only to find that you have anger in your heart? Confess it quickly--make it right before God. Be reconciled to that person--do it now!"

The foundation verses Chambers shares are Matthew 5:25 and John 3:19-21. I went deep into John 3:20-21 in the Amplified Bible which I love because it brings in the meaning and heart of the words used in the Scriptures. "For every wrongdoer hates (loathes, detests) the Light, and will not come out into the Light but shrinks from it, lest His works (his deeds, his activities, his conduct) be exposed and reproved. But he who practices truth (who does what is right) comes out into the Light; so that His works may be plainly shown to be what they are--wrought with God [divinely prompted, done with God's help, in dependence on Him.]

I started thinking about what I read. I think perhaps the reason why it is so hard for us to come into the Light (Jesus) is that we are so afraid He will be like every other authority figure who has ever stepped on us, devastated us, cheated us or "lorded it over us". To be able to forgive those human authority figures and invite Jesus to show us the truth about His way of loving us is a challenge indeed. We are so afraid there will be some sort of horrible "exposure and reproof" that we forget Jesus was completely and totally exposed and reproved for us. There will never be any condemnation coming out of Him towards us when we make a true-hearted confession. Actually, there will never be any condemnation coming out of Him--period. He just isn't like that! Even a half-hearted confession from someone who wants Him is something He can work with! As a good friend of mine once said, let's "get down to the nitty gritty".

I am telling myself today, when I say I want intimate relationships with all you wonderful friends and my family, I am committing myself to confess and come into the Light and make right absolutely anything that I have done that has wronged any of you! That means I would tell you straight out my most shameful sin when such is needed to heal us. (And heal us confession would!) By the same token, I am also promising to tell you when you offend me! I am refusing to play games with you and I am honoring you as someone who can handle working stuff out! If for some reason You just can't work things out quite yet, then I've still done my level best and when I keep my heart soft towards you continually I am in the Light. I am refusing to keep unforgiveness in my heart towards anyone....the cost of intimacy may seem great to us now, but in only a matter of time this undaunted love we must practice will become second nature. It's actually better if we don't do it like a rehearsed dance, we've just got to take our first stumbling steps.

For intimacy's sake, God, I pray today that you would deal with me. Break open my fears and pour your love into those areas in me so that I am unafraid to trust your Light. I forgive those authority figures, friends, relatives, and anyone else who has ever exposed me and reproved me bringing heavy embarrassment and condemnation on me. I release them and bless them, I turn them over to You. Your "yoke is easy". I pray for the truth about who You are to flood me so I can come into Light in every part of my heart. I pray that You will help me press into the relationships you have gifted me so that I will grow in love and freedom from fear. Thank you that You bore exposure and reproof for me and God never, ever deals with me out of a heart desiring to punish me and make me pay. Show me truth, God. Show me You.
In Jesus name, Amen.

Monday, April 26, 2010

"In Constant Touch"

One of those weeks, one of those days, nights, moments....years. Everything blurred together and nothing to grab onto. Plenty of: "abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks". Yet in all of it He stays here. Right here. My Shepherd calls and I answer through the blur..."When do I end? Can't you just take me out of me? You can do anything!" But it isn't the easy road that makes me remember. It isn't the "gift to the Lord that costs me nothing" that sticks with me. What costs, I become. What aches, delivers. What shifts and shakes and turns underneath me brings me to steady ground.

If there were no words in our language for how we feel, if we had no way to express our anguish, exhaustion, joy, fear or relief, He would still know it all. What refreshment it is to me this morning (the morning after the long night) to know even if I can't open my mouth He will hear me. He will "groan" for me. Even my lamentation will resolve and dissolve itself inside of Him. Big, big God. Big, big grace. Simple like a child's song but no less powerful as we believe Him.

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. "My strength comes into it's own in your weakness." "Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size--abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

The Message
2 Corinthians
(page 388)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dirty Work

"Fixing one's thoughts" takes diligent effort. I can't be naive about the graphic evil and filth of this world, but I'm also not asked to ruminate in that shadowy place. We have this Scripture so we know God knows we can't survive in a constant state of "saving the world". He hasn't required that of us. He knows if we internalize the images of grief, injustice and carnality we are hit with every moment we live in this world it's only a matter of time before we self-destruct. I have been given permission to live in heaven now, it is not demanded of me that I undergo some self-absorbed mental/spiritual initiation. Jesus Christ already went to hell and back. He does not ask me to go to hell and live there, so that I can somehow become strong enough as to be as invincible as He is. He is the only one who could have entered darkness and shadow and lived through it all. We think we have personal tabs on the depths of evil. We are cocky to run ahead so rashly. Our pride is only fuel for hell's sulfuric fire.

What I am asked for is humility enough to hide myself in Him, to realize the evil but not to be sidelined. To be invincible because I have been given the privilege of living in heaven right now, and there are no precursors other than simply knowing Christ. The more I know Him, the more of His purity, honor and loveliness abide within me for my access. Then, the paralysis (like chloroform) the enemy holds over our senses is knocked off. When we can see heaven, we can see the actions of God. We are not defeated any longer because we have given up replaying and planning our own heroic attack on the bowels of hell. This practice is useless because we know we will not be successful, for what human power can stand? In human strength we see ourselves rendered helpless even in the best blustering daydream we can muster.

In the "precious lifeblood" (1 Peter 1:19) of the Lamb we have the power to suffer earth because we're living in heaven. As we live in heaven, the Holy Spirit will impact earth through us. The actions we are to take on the behalf of those God is calling will be clear. We will not be overtaken by evil but we will respond, alive and well, with good. The trust of simple children, so grateful that Daddy does the dirty work, will release the power of heaven to devastate and regenerate the slimiest pit imaginable.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and saw me doing, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8

Friday, February 5, 2010

Recklessly, Messily

God's reckless love for the brokenhearted is coming. I am in for the ride of my life. I cannot presume to know everything, and I plead that I will not use past experience as my guide when this love begins to overflow me. Love is not an office schedule I make sitting in my high-rise. There will be plenty of moments when I am so full of God's compassion I will not even know how to proceed. How could I know this love that is completely inhuman? My response is to bow down low. Human love will never be perfection. God's love is perfection. In His presence my own downheartedness will become the "perfection for which He possessed me." In His presence I am safe in this abandonment. If I am afraid that I will make a mistake in loving someone, I will remain human in my love. If I am compelled by God, I will not even be afraid of someone else's motives, because I know in the end the greatest thing I will ever do is to be a reckless lover of God. When he loves me with heaven, I have been consumed, I have been overtaken. I am not loving humanly anymore. There are no formulas. Each person needs a stellar personal touch from which God is the Star Performer. May I never believe that I have my own needs, or someone else's needs all figured out. When I am hurt, when I am broken and when others are hurt around me, the Spirit of God is hovering. Oh may I not run beyond those precious open moments. They are the portals to God-given wholeness. When I cry out to Him He begins creating with His love on earth. We are all here with God to be recklessly, messily consumed. This is what God has always had in mind as He loves us.

Oswald Chambers, page 570, "That Which is Perfect"
Philippians 3: 12
1 John 4:18
Image by Heart-A-Day, Gretchen

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Journal of a Judge (Me)

I looked across time and space and caught in my eye someone who deserved to die
I planned the time and place I would carry out what was just and my eyes
I wanted to make sure he got what he deserved
I took a life who's soul I had not created and did not know
I made that life mine to dissect and scrutinize
He was so free, he did not have a care in the world
He seemed always to look out and beyond Himself, as though He knew a secret I did not
And it irked me
I wanted to penalize everything about Him that made me feel less controlled, less important
I was afraid that if I let Him off the hook, I would lose what I had worked so hard my whole life to convert...I found a way to make something out of own way
And it had worked for me
I could stand over Him and be completely composed...I knew what would happen all the time
And I knew why
This was my world...And Oh, I had power! Such power...I never worried, because I always came out on top, my life always made sense
And this time was no different
I planned it, I drafted the moment of payback
I knew exactly which moment would be mine, to watch Him suffer and gloat
To pull out His beard, poke at His eyes, dribble my own spit over His cheekbones...He so deserved this treatment: to be under my thumb
Someone had to do it
I would be the one
Because He never tried
He never had to strive the way I did, life came naturally to Him
He saw people and they saw Him...He was full without effort
I had to catch Him or else...the world would see my hollow shell
I wanted to make Him nothing, small and helpless in my hands, my slave...dead or alive

But when I made Him suffer, my plan writhed in my hands like lightning in the sky
I had no control
My punishment made Him gracious
My pounding made Him prayerful
My beating made Him sweeter
My death blow brought Him to life
Humiliation was His comfort and consolation
Judgment was His mercy

He encompassed me, every time I hit him I felt smaller and smaller
Panic choked worst fear realized
My plan was failing...I couldn't give Him what I was so sure He deserved
He would not take from me
I could not defeat His Source
Though covered in wounds I had afflicted,
He seemed to live beyond demands for retribution, He took me and held on
He asked me if I wanted this: the life of a judge
Knowing I was bested I looked at Him, a good long look...a cold calculating stare
Was there any way out of this?
He understood me
Then I saw Him for the first time...who He really was, because the light in His eyes opened up
I was drawn over time and space to a moment all my own
All His own
He was not deserving, I was
He had done nothing, I had done everything!
Surprisingly enough to me, my barrenness did not detain Him
I saw myself for the first time
I saw Him want me...I saw Him pull me out from rubble...In His eyes
I saw Him do all necessary to secure me
So I would not have to secure myself

I am the judge receiving mercy from my unjustly accused
The judge who came through violent reckoning to sit close and tight with intimacy
The judge who is now Beloved would not dare decide an end
Beloved now filled with beginnings...endings made for beginnings