Journal of a Judge (Me)

I looked across time and space and caught in my eye someone who deserved to die
I planned the time and place I would carry out what was just and right...in my eyes
I wanted to make sure he got what he deserved
I took a life who's soul I had not created and did not know
I made that life mine to dissect and scrutinize
He was so free, he did not have a care in the world
He seemed always to look out and beyond Himself, as though He knew a secret I did not
And it irked me
I wanted to penalize everything about Him that made me feel less controlled, less important
I was afraid that if I let Him off the hook, I would lose what I had worked so hard my whole life to convert...I found a way to make something out of nothing...my own way
And it had worked for me
I could stand over Him and be completely composed...I knew what would happen all the time
And I knew why
This was my world...And Oh, I had power! Such power...I never worried, because I always came out on top, my life always made sense
And this time was no different
I planned it, I drafted the moment of payback
I knew exactly which moment would be mine, to watch Him suffer and gloat
To pull out His beard, poke at His eyes, dribble my own spit over His cheekbones...He so deserved this treatment: to be under my thumb
Someone had to do it
I would be the one
Because He never tried
He never had to strive the way I did, life came naturally to Him
He saw people and they saw Him...He was full without effort
I had to catch Him or else...the world would see my hollow shell
I wanted to make Him nothing, small and helpless in my hands, my slave...dead or alive

But when I made Him suffer, my plan writhed in my hands like lightning in the sky
I had no control
My punishment made Him gracious
My pounding made Him prayerful
My beating made Him sweeter
My death blow brought Him to life
Humiliation was His comfort and consolation
Judgment was His mercy

He encompassed me, every time I hit him I felt smaller and smaller
Panic choked me...my worst fear realized
My plan was failing...I couldn't give Him what I was so sure He deserved
He would not take from me
I could not defeat His Source
Though covered in wounds I had afflicted,
He seemed to live beyond demands for retribution, He took me and held on
He asked me if I wanted this: the life of a judge
Knowing I was bested I looked at Him, a good long look...a cold calculating stare
Was there any way out of this?
He understood me
Then I saw Him for the first time...who He really was, because the light in His eyes opened up
I was drawn over time and space to a moment all my own
All His own
He was not deserving, I was
He had done nothing, I had done everything!
Surprisingly enough to me, my barrenness did not detain Him
I saw myself for the first time
I saw Him want me...I saw Him pull me out from rubble...In His eyes
I saw Him do all necessary to secure me
So I would not have to secure myself

I am the judge receiving mercy from my unjustly accused
The judge who came through violent reckoning to sit close and tight with intimacy
The judge who is now Beloved would not dare decide an end
Beloved now filled with beginnings...endings made for beginnings